24 Nov Ask For Coaching
Fresh problem, chronic situation
This is going to be a bit long of a thought download. My husband was recently diagnosed (by home BP cuff) with HTN in the low 160s. This came about because he was feeling “off” and decided to check his BP. Last weekend he checked with an old wrist cuff. He locked himself in the bedroom, kept re-cycling the cuff, called his best friend who is a gastroenterologist to ask him to prescribe him meds, took the metoprolol of a friend that was visiting because she had some in her purse, and overall got really worked up about it. By later in the evening he decides that it was all because of nicotine withdrawl because he’s been smoking less. The next day I bought an upper arm cuff, which then he decides he doesn’t want, but I encourage him to keep to track his BP anyways since he has a strong family history and is at risk. This morning, he’s again feeling ‘off’ and takes his BP and it’s elevated and the same spiral starts. I can tell that his anxiety is escalating, I’m trying to offer a variety of ways to help by offering to go do the groceries and take initiative folding the laundry and etc but he’s not thinking well and keeps making fights out of my attempts to help and tells me that I am 50% of the reason for his HTN. This culminates in an argument which involves him repeating over and over that “living here has become my punishment” and he retreats to our room to cry (he absolutely hates it when he cries and feels exceptionally ashamed). I do my best to offer comfort then give him space.
So I’ll offer a model but I also have a question. I’m a repeat participant here, and this is not the first time that I’ve asked for coaching or gotten coached about my inability to control someone else’s model and make them see that they aren’t helping themselves (particularly my husband). This is going to continue to be my work.
C- Husband is anxious about new diagnosis of HTN, concludes that I am 50% of the reason that he has HTN, says that “living here has become my punishment” and tells me that after my upcoming call week he is going to fly home [internationally] to “get a break from” living with me. (side note: this is a common threat, and the conclusion that I am the root of all of his problems is also a pervasive thought/conclusion for him).
T: Stop acting like a child, get a grip, can’t you see that your thoughts are worsening your anxiety and putting fuel on fire? I am not the reason for your HTN.
F: Irritated, annoyed, resentful that I’m being blamed
A: Really double down on keeping my calm-mom tone, try to not to let my annoyance break through, offer to take as much off his plate as I can think of but am annoyed while I’m doing this, comfort him as genuinely as a can but still with underlying irritation, wish for the hundredth time that he would be willing to engage with coaching and realize that I am not the one that is ruining his life.
R: I’m still irritated/annoyed, exhausted by this cyclic argument pattern in our marriage where he believes I am the source of all of his stress (and now health issues); expecting that this will just keep happening where I always get blamed; decide that I need to find him a coach (while acknowledging that this is me trying to change the C line by having him work with a coach instead of me shifting to an intentional model where I choose more helpful thoughts). Write in to ask for coaching with a fresh version of this chronic problem.
Note: There is certainly a part of me that can see that this is scary and terrifying for him, and that makes another model where I do have moments where I empathize and am doing what I can to support him, but then we just cycle into this me always being the problem piece, which I’m smart enough now to know that that’s BS.
***tightened up model***
C: Husband gets stressed and blames me for his stress. T: STOP blaming me. This HAS to stop. F: Irritated, almost desperate. A: Searching for ways to make it stop. R: Feeling stuck. Was also thinking that my intentional model might need to incorporate some sort of boundary. Will keep thinking on it. Thanks as always for your coaching. <3
ANSWER
Hello friend!!! Ok- you have seriously leveled up with insight into your own patterns here. I'll start by pointing out how VERY VERY common this patter (blaming the C for the F, in this case, you have a theme of blaming another specific person for your F, A and R) - which we call "emotional childhood." It's common because, in a way, for a brief moment, it actually can feel good. The rush of "justification" or "haughtiness" we get in this victim or defense mode can bring a bit of dopamine. The problem, is that this rush often disappears, and we are then left with the original feeling and now a model that doesn't serve us at all about the person.
I'm going to tighten your C even further:
C: Husband has BP reading of 160 and says you "are 50% of the reason for this HTN" and that “living here has become my punishment.”
T: He's blaming me and it has to stop
F: Desperate
A: Blame HIM for not having access to his own coaching tools (and being in emotional childhood). Double down on keeping my calm-mom tone (I'm guessing this is you "resisting" the feeling... how's that working? 😉 ), try to not to let my annoyance break through, offer to do chores for him but am annoyed while I’m doing this, underlying irritation seeps into all actions, wish for the hundredth time that he would be different. Searching for all the ways to make it stop.
R: You don't stop your usual pattern, and make this harder.
Ok- I don't think this is primarily boundary work. If he were physically harming you or your space, or if he were constantly raising his voice or name calling, then there is some boundary work (maybe this is the case, if so bring it back and we can talk boundaries). But him blaming you for his HTH is actually not boundary work. He is an adult who is allowed to blame whoever he wants for his HTN (even if it really doesn't serve him and even if it creates really irritating thoughts for you).
The primary work here is emotional adulthood - i.e. taking responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. This is HARD WORK.
The first step is to stop resisting what is happening now. You are really wishing he would be different, so that you could feel better. But he doesn't have to be different, I promise. This is where your power lies, I think you are ready to unleash it.
Ok- to get ready for feelings week, I'm going to remind you of the 4 options you have with every feeling:
1) React to it (for you, this may look like snapping at him, being cold, or yelling back)
2) Resist it (this is how you are showing up with a forced "calm mom voice" all botteld up, but not authentica at all- often makes the initial feeling stronger)
3) Distract/avoid from it (this would be indulgging in something else, work, social media, alcohol, junk food, anything to not be in your feels)
aaaanddd the one we recommend:
4) Allow it.
Have you processed your desperation here? What's wrong with letting it be there? What if this is your week or month to play with irritation and desperation and not try to fix them?
I challenge you to keep this model and example all the way through the next 3-4 weeks with us and let's see if we can de-power it a bit.
How to Get Coached Here- A Message from Adrienne and Tyra (Spring 2024)
Welcome to Ask for Coaching! Here is a guide for how to get the most out of this type of coaching:
1) Title your question with something memorable for you. Unless you identify yourself in the title or in your request, your coaching request will be anonymous to other readers. If you want (and to make it easier for you to search and find your old posts later), you can add a tag unique to you (Ex: #abc)
2) Think of a topic you would like coaching on and do a thought download on it here in this space.
3) Try to pull out a thought and run it through a model (C-T-F-A-R) right below your download. It doesn't have to be perfect, just give it your best shot.
4) Hit "submit" at the bottom and one of your coaches will reply HERE within ~ 1-3 days. (Your request won't show up here until we post it with our response)
5) Come back here and search for your post (try to remember the title and scroll down until you find it), and you will see our answer in the text below your question.
6) Read the questions and coaching your colleagues receive - chances are lots of the coaching topics here will apply to you too!
7) Use this as much as you like, 24/7, for coaching on ANY topic. There's no wrong way to do this. There are no gold stars or failures. The more you ask for coaching, the more you will learn, grow and benefit from this course. We will keep our answers succinct and offer 1-3 questions for you to consider and bring back for more coaching. Feel free to respond back in a new post (there's no way to respond in a "thread"), or consider bring any follow up to a group coaching call.
8) Remember that this space is completely anonymous and of course confidential to our group. It's totally fine (and welcome!) to share successes, give support, shout-outs or love to your colleagues here too, doesn't always have to be a place for problems.
Coaching is OPEN! Bring it on, friends!