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Being "enough" in academics

In thinking about purpose and that we are already enough I struggle with how to feel enough in an academic environment where there is constant pressure to promote and get items on your dossier. What is a beneficial way to think about this in our environment where many of our leaders are telling us we are not enough and need to continue to build our CV?


Do you think that you have to agree with what your institution labels "enough"?

Do you think your institution is weighing in on your enoughness as a human? (Or could it just be that your institution is making a request of you and hoping that you will comply?)

I wonder if a leader actually has said to you "you are not enough". Perhaps they have made suggestions that you interpret this way, but if it were true that your bosses or leaders felt that you weren't enough to be here, you would probably be fired. If a leader has actually told you that "you are not enough", though, then it goes in the C line, and you get to decide if you agree or not.

Right now - your brain is equating the "constant pressure" it is inferring from the environment with some truth about your value as a human. The work of abundance and purpose is to untie those. The constant pressure can continue on, but it does not demand that you cave to it.

What would it look like to define your own "enoughness" and see with curiosity where your definition overlaps with your institutions and go from there?

Bring your reaction back - this is important work.

Epic chat fills me with rage pt 2

I don't always answer the chat when it is non-urgent, but I do feel like I have to check the chat and not turn notifications off because we don't use pagers so that is actually the way that people are supposed to communicate urgent information. I think it is mostly the anticipation that whatever this chat is that it is going to (1) create more work for me and (2) distract me from what I'm currently doing and (3) often involve things that also annoy me about our system- like someone asking me scheduling questions or other administrative things, insurance issues, etc.

What I would like my R to be is that I calmly check epic chat and I deal with whatever needs to be dealt with maturely and not waste time feeling annoyed about it and then also generating negative emotions throughout the day, and I know one thought that could get me there is "I just got an epic chat- I will check it when I am at a good stopping place- and whatever it is I can handle it" but I also have a visceral response to seeing that stupid chat notification. I realize this is minor and ridiculous but I still hate it!
It's funny and always ironically true that your brain's hardwired confirmation bias tends to make us find evidence to support our thoughts, even if the thoughts are painful.

So - when you think "whatever this chat is that it is going to (1) create more work ...(2) distract me ...and (3) annoy me..." invariably (and even though they don't feel good), no matter what the secure chat is, your brain will seek to make those things come to fruition.

The work is to reprogram your brain. Fortunately, you have an obvious trigger to dive into this work with. The epic chat is your C here and if you can link that cue of an alert to some kind of reminder system to redirect your brain to a more helpful thought *that you also believe* - this will become your new programming, and the rage will lighten. I love your R in your intentional model. This is a great direction to head in, but it's just out of reach since that new "T" doesn't hook you as quickly or as strongly as your old one, so will require some intentional practice to get it to cement in.

C: Epic chat
T: I will check it when I am at a good stopping place- and whatever it is I can handle it
F: ??
A: Calmly check epic when the timing is right
R: Not waste time feeling annoyed & generating unnecessary negative emotions

When practicing a new thought it can be helpful to write it on post-it notes, make it your computer/phone background, or even just tell people you are working on how you respond to a triggering C.
If you notice that you are forgetting to use the new thought (or especially if you start resisting/resenting it)- then it's time to try on some new ones.

Other T options to play with:
"Oh good! A chance to reprogram my brain an see if this coaching stuff works at all"

"Whatever this is will create more work, distract me, or annoy me, and that's ok. Sometimes stuff at work is super annoying, and epic chat is it for me."

"I'm noticing the thought "whatever this is will create more work, distract me, or annoy me." Let's see if that is actually true or not..."

Feeling undervalued

We have had a lot of changes in our division over the last several years.. These changes (likely all together) have led to a really rocky time resulting in cost reduction measures: pay cuts, increases in our clinical FTE, loss of educational funding. Overall, this has led to a general decline in our overall morale. These cost reduction measures seemingly have no end in sight and are quite significant. Further, my perception of the messaging is that we are being "blamed.". I waffle between sadness and anger for the position we find ourselves in - feeling overworked and undervalued.

I have a 1000 thoughts about this and I have a hard to pinpointing which one to work on. I'll take a stab on one mental model below:

C: Spending reduction measures in place
T: The clinicians had minimal to no part in creating this situation and yet we have to rectify it
F: Anger and sadness
R: Distraction at work, gossiping and sharing distress with colleagues. Loss of academic productivity. Not completing tasks because distracted. Internet searching for new jobs.

I love my job, but I am not enjoying the experience of my job - it is clouded by feelings of anger, hopelessness, sadness, loss of potential, etc.. The mental energy this takes every single day is exhausting.

I could also do a thought model with 1000 other thoughts so it is hard to even know where to begin. Some of these other thoughts include: we will never get out of this. We will never again be able to be academically productive. The career that I've been building is going to crash. No one values my professional development. No one values our junior faculty members and their professional development. And my favorite: the institution never loves you back.

It is incredibly challenging to get myself to believe this experience is neutral.

Let's be clear: your experience is NOT neutral- don't even begin trying to convince yourself of that. Your experience is always shaded by your brain, and we often don't want to change how we feel about something. The CIRCUMSTANCE though - is actually neutral. Your brain is creating the experience. This is a nuanced semantic difference here, but an important one, since it gives you some power in what otherwise feels like a powerless situation.

I can tell that you have deep values that are not aligned with your circumstance (institution) right now, and in that case, your uncomfortable emotions (anger, sadness, etc) are probably not something that you want to change. It would be like trying to tell you to feel happy about child abuse or murder or something. We can all accept that these things happen, and work to try to rectify or mitigate them, but no one is trying to feel happy about them. Same thing here for you.

The *PROBLEM* is that you believe that reality should be different and because of this resistance, your life isn't moving in a direction that you like. The anger and sadness are not creating forward momentum for you in this case, but instead they are creating actions like distraction, complaining, spiraling in negative thoughts, and none of the good advocacy stuff that you may want.

For me, this happens often when I get caught up in a "blame fight" in my head. Here your brain is desperately looking for a solution. It wants this to be "because of" something or someone, because then you could maybe fix it. BUT, first of all, your current thought is not moving you towards fixing the C, and second of all, sometimes Cs can't be changed by us.

So let's see if there is a different way that feels lighter to you and moves you where you want to go. Here's a radical thought: What if it's not the 'fault' of anyone or anything, but instead just a very human phenomenon playing out in front of you?

Can you play with "fault" and "responsibility" in a way that feels different? It's like if someone dropped off an orphan on your doorstep- it would definitely not be your FAULT, but your next choice (whatever it may be, including the choice of inaction) is your responsibility. You always get to decide how you want to show up, knowing that the world will continue to treat it's humans unfairly. The Q become: how do you want to show up here (for yourself most importantly, but also for your colleagues, peers, pts, and others)?

Some Ts to play with here: (don't try them all at once, pick one, write on it and bring this back):
-Why is it a problem that "The clinicians had minimal to no part in creating this situation and yet we have to rectify it"? There are plenty of things that you have no part in creating (like medical problems for our patients for example) that you choose to rectify (or not sometimes). Why do you think you shouldn't work to rectify this one?
-Why do you believe you "have" to rectify it? (can you see how the opposite is true? You can always choose what to do and not to do in your work.... or you can choose to leave your work).
-What will you "never" get out of? Why not? Are you *in* it now? How are you also not *in* it now?
-Why do you believe your institution should love you back? What if it's not your institution's job to love you? (or your job's job to make you happy)? Can you find love, safety and motivation anyway?
-Where exactly are your boundaries with your job? What has to happen for you to leave? Do you like your reasons? Why and why not?

Please bring your thoughts back. I know you aren't alone here and this conversation is IMPORTANT for all of us to see and be a part of. Thank you for sharing vulnerably.

Shame coming up

The situation is that I have friends coming in town to visit. These are our best friends. I chose to not cancel clinic because they decided only 4 weeks out to come, so felt bad cancelling patients who wait to see me for 3 months already…. And administration requests 60 days notice for non-urgent cancellation of clinic.

C: I chose to not cancel clinic when friends come in town
T: I am not prioritizing time with people I love
F: shame, guilt, sad
A: cry, ruminate
R: change what I do next time

Alternative model
C: I chose to cancel clinic
T: I am letting people down, I’m not doing my job, I’m a bad doctor/person.
F: guilt, shame
A: ruminate
R: enjoy extra time with friends, probably somehow overcompensate for feeling bad at work.

I want you to notice how you have created a lose/lose game for yourself here. See how your black and white thinking are making it so that "clinic" and "your friends" are pitted against each other and only one can win.

I want you to ask yourself from a place of curiosity, not judgement:
-How can it be true that you chose not to cancel clinic AND you are able to prioritize time with people you love?
----> Are you confusing amount of time spent with overall prioritizing? If so - I want to see if you can untangle these. Are there times when you spend very little time on or with something that is actually a big priority? Are there times when you spend a lot of time on or with something that is NOT a big priority? Perhaps time doesn't always correlate to importance.

-Are there ways that you can prioritize your friends that don't involve canceling clinic?
-Are there times that you can see them aside from being in clinic (like, are they here for longer than a day?)? If so, how can you show them and yourself that you prioritize them
-Even if you choose not to spend time with them, how can you feel connected?

My guess is that if you show up in the limited time you do have with them from a place of shame and guilt, this will also not make anyone (especially yourself) feel prioritized.
Try this model in reverse: (start by asking what actions you would need to do to get this R, then how you would need to feel to do those As, then what believable T created that F)

C: You have clinic scheduled while your friends are visiting
R: You show up as your most connected self to your friends

I'd love to see your response to these questions here! <3

Epic Chat Fills Me With Rage

Literal rage- every time I get an Epic Chat (primarily when I'm not in clinic). It just feels so intrusive and demanding of attention and almost always is adding to my to do list. The other day I got one while working out at 630 in the AM about a non-urgent issue, another one at 7 AM while getting ready, and then just anytime I get one while in a meeting, or on my research/admin time. I got a chat from docline about a nonurgent consult and I looked at it within a minute and the docline person had already left the chat as though they didn't want to be bothered with any kind of response to what they had just chatted! I understand that this is not a productive reaction but I seriously hate it.

C: Epic Chats during times when I'm trying to do/focus on something else
T: "This isn't urgent, don't chat me" "I hate this" "This is why I can never be productive" etc. etc. etc.
F: Rage
A: Respond to chat, sometimes snarkily sometimes with over politneness, sometimes ingore it. Address whatever needs to be done at some point.
R: The work gets done, but I am annoyed.

Ooooo - you know you aren't alone here! This is a perfect example of a totally neutral C causing a really big T and F. The secure chat message is 100% neutral, factual. It just exists, it doesn't actually mandate that you do anything until you have a thought about it. Right now, your thought is causing rage, which is not only making the secure chats go away, but is actually making your day harder. Let's see where there is some wiggle room here....

It's interesting here that your thought "This isn't urgent" actually leads you to answer the SC as if it WAS urgent.... and that the rage is fueling you to not honor your boundaries. That is an ironic and unfortunate outcome that many of us fall into.

I am curious: what is the thought that ultimately is fueling you to answer the "non-urgent" chat in the moment? Is it "This isn't urgent, but since I saw it I have to answer it"? or "This isn't urgent, but I'm on the hook and I want it to go away so I better answer it"? (I'm offering these since they commonly cross my brain too).

This is the place to start questioning - why do you believe you have to answer non-urgent messages in the moment? Why not just decide for yourself to not look at EPIC when you are trying to focus on something else (did you know you can turn off or mute the SC notifications on your phone?)?

What other options do you have here that create focus time for you and a system where you eventually do the secure chats in a way that honors their non-urgency?
(Try a "reverse model" here - where you make this the "R" and work your way backwards until you find a believable thought that you can practice the next time this comes up)

Bring your response back here- or to live coaching, I am curious what your brain is thinking with these questions!


Recently, some junior female faculty approached our bosses boss due to some intimidation, bullying behaviors or examples of poor leadership. The bosses boss insisted on transparency. We met with the junior female faculty, the boss and the boss’ boss. The boss told us that much of what had been brought forward was lies. He talked for an hour, sometimes with directed questions and comments and denied any wrongdoing. The boss’ boss said he was being an observer. He listened and said very little and did not support the junior faculty or the boss. There was a moment where the boss talked about being talked to like he was a nurse by a surgeon. A senior female faculty that was on the call did let him know that it was a common experience for the females on the call. He seemed to have no idea. In any case, 3 of those junior female faculty and multiple other faculty have left. There have been several instances of people in that group being left out of activities related to work and being denied opportunities. So, the lesson learned from this is that higher leadership does not care about input from junior females. Since that meeting 10 months ago there has been no feedback from boss or boss’ boss.
C: meeting with boss
T: leadership does not care about our input and value a flawed leader over junior faculty.
f. Disrespected
A: gossip with colleagues, be less productive than I want due to thinking about this so much, want to move to another job but feel trapped.
R: disrespect my own time due to my mental energy spent on this

I really have been feeling complicit in staying , supporting a model where this institution does not care about building strong female faculty or having open input.

Oof- thank you for bringing this here - it's the *perfect* thing to get coaching on. And I think you probably already know that your coaches here can't change the situation at work or your bosses for you - and realistically, you probably can't either. What we can change is your experience of it and how you show up IN it. You say that you have been feeling complicit, and your result of this unintentional model clearly shows how your current thoughts are not supporting YOU (kinda like how the leadership isn't supporting you, right?).

So the question becomes, how can you find support from yourself first here?

Your thought: "leadership does not care about our input and value a flawed leader over junior faculty" might actually be true. But just because something is true doesn't mean that you need to continue to focus on it if that is not helpful to you. Let's go ahead and move your T to the C line for a minute just to see if there is any wiggle room in your response to it:

C: leadership does not care about your input and value a flawed leader over junior faculty.
T: ??? now what? How do you want to think feel and act about this?

What would it look like to respect yourself and your time? Can you have your own back about whatever decision you are manking for the time being? Sometimes, the *right* decision for the time-being, isn't the same thing as the right decision a year or 10 years from now.

Once you are able to show yourself kindness for your current decisions, then you can start wondering how to create a result that aligns with your values of supporting a model to building strong female faculty and having open input.

Where can you support female faculty right now? Is there a way you can do this at work? Is there a way you can do this not at work?

Where can you encourage open input? At work? With learners? With staff? At home?

Can I change?

I am having difficulty believing that I can change my thought patterns. I see logically how the models work and I understand that the thoughts are creating the emotions. It seems like every interaction in a day is fodder for my thoughts to go haywire and then end up producing F/A/R that are unhelpful. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of work it is taking to process my life.
C: paying more attention to my inner dialogue
T: there are infinity negative thoughts about any given situation
F: overwhelmed, hopeless

Thank you for asking about this. I invite you to finish that model you started - I'm guessing the A line is that you either avoid doing the thought work or distract yourself from it (inaction.... this is a very normal human response to overwhelm), and the R is that you prove to yourself that you can't change, yes?

Here's the thing: we know FOR SURE that neuroplasticity is real. Decades of cognitive science has proven that thought patterns can absolutely change. We also know that if your "C" doesn't change, then changing your thoughts is actual cognitive work as you point out. And yes, you are spot on that your thoughts are created by your past, your genes, and your current environment, so it's definitely not "your fault" that you view the world in a certain way - it's the fault of your genetics, society and perhaps youth environment. None of which are fair.

But now what? You have two options - you can absolutely continue on with your current mindset. And there is actually nothing wrong with this at all! In fact, if you make a clear assessment that changing your thoughts requires too much of you and the status quo is just fine, then by ALL MEANS continue on, my friend! You've gotten to this place which is pretty darn good with your current brain.

If though, you are interested in a better experience for yourself, I PROMISE that it's a lot easier to do the work of changing your mind than it is to change your past, DNA, or society. Yes, we can work towards positive change in those domains, but you have so much more power to change your experience if you turn inward than focus on what's wrong outward.

This is WORK though. It's the work of habit formation (or habit breaking, sometimes) - and requires almost constant attention and curiosity in the beginning. Yes, it's a lot. But it doesn't have to be a bummer. As you see, what you are experiencing now is a bummer.

The first thing to work on is to ask yourself why you are choosing to believe that you can't change your thoughts. Why do you think you fall back on this belief? Is it a bit familiar maybe? Easier to stay there than risk the discomfort of doing the work? Ask yourself this gently - reminding yourself that we all want comfort and ease. The human brain evolved to seek this specifically, so asking yourself to manage your mind goes directly against basic biology. Nothing is wrong with you, or even different about you - I promise. I also often "hate" or dread doing the work and want to just stay comfortable - and I've been in this coaching world a long time!

Ok- what if we move your negative thoughts, which exist, to your C line. How do you want to think about them?

C: paying more attention to my inner dialogue and noticing many negative thoughts arise
T: ??? ("oh, ok, good thing I can choose one to play with today!")
F: ???
A: ???
R: ???

Alternate Ts to play with:
T: "I'm noticing my negative thoughts, and I remember that this is the first step to change, go me!"
T: "Oh, there's my negativity bias again, trying to protect me"
T: "Hmmm... I wonder if there's any different, believable way that I could think of just one of these things..."
T: "All humans, and especially clinicians, have tons of negative thoughts. So many other people experience this"

Bring back some models or what comes up with you. We want to be here for you the entire way. It's very hard to do this work alone- which is why we made this program in the first place!

Great opportunity or Burden?

Having major fear/ doubt/ imposter syndrome and overwhelmed feelings right now.
My chair was asked to present at an international conference in Amsterdam but can't do it and passed the opportunity to me. I'm honored and flattered but really freaked out.
It is a topic that I have good familiarity with and am a relative expert in, but not at the national or international speaker level like my chair is. I would need to present some work that is not my own which I feel uncomfortable with and overall, I just don't feel I'm qualified to speak at this level in this space. Also it is relatively short notice, coming up in May and requires international arrangements. I'd be travelling alone and don't speak the language. Just completely out of my comfort zone. At the same time, wow- great learning opportunity and hey, maybe I'd get a couple hours of sightseeing in (or not really given the schedule)?
I don't want to embarrass myself and our institution by being a poor replacement for my chair. I also am feeling frustrated that with such short notice, I can't make this trip more fulfilling by planning in a few more days for seeing the country (it has been on my bucket list)

C: the chair of my department has asked me to sub in as a speaker in an international conference in Amsterdam. I have never been to Amsterdam. I will be speaking about work that is not directly my own.
T: AACK- I'm not good enough to do this! I'm so frustrated that I am not going to get to do this trip on my terms. They're all going to laugh at me (or be disappointed or embarrassed for me)
F: Fear / Doubt/ Frustration
A: feeling a little paralyzed right now
R: difficulty concentrating, feeling guilty I didn't immediately say "Yes- Thank you"


First of all - congrats on this offer! What an honor! Also, nice model, your C line is spot on factual. You have three thoughts in the T line though, so I bet that is why you have 3 feeling here. I encourage you to separate them out into 3 models just to bring awareness to what each model is doing for you. Here, let's use this one:

C: Chair of my department has asked me to sub in as a speaker in an international conference in Amsterdam. I have never been to Amsterdam. I will be speaking about work that is not directly my own.
T: AACK- I'm not good enough to do this!
F: Fear
A: Inaction (paralyzed). No decision yet, then judge yourself for not immediately saying yes. Not present (difficulty concentrating), imagine yourself being embarrassed and what others might think of you. Make up some imaginary "speaker level" that your chair meets but you do not. Notice all the areas that could suck about the trip that you haven't taken yet (including your lack of free time there that you'd have even if you said yes).
R: You don't step into your power ("enoughness") and really hold yourself back

The real question here is... how do you WANT to feel about this conference? I see that you have some thoughts about it that are empowering ("what a learning opportunity!" , "I'm a relative expert!" , "I may even get to sightsee in a cool new country!") and then many others that are disempowering.

Sometimes those disempowering/fearful thoughts can trick you into thinking that you don't want soemthing. It's a nice protection mechanism, where you never go out on a limb because you could fall. But, they can accidentally lure you into turning away from your values and then cause a lot of confusion around who you really are. Give yourself space to breathe and ask how you WANT to want to feel about the conference. From this place, you can see if your values are pointing toward or away. Truthfully, maybe you really don't want to go to the conference under all that fear, perhaps it feels irrelevant and boring, and you hate international travel - gotta clean up the first layer of thoughts to see.

Pretend, for a moment, that you are perfectly "enough" and prepared and "right" for this talk. Just pretend: The audience wants you, you are practiced and represent the research well. If you truly believed this, would you want to go?



Ok. If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Yay!

If the answer is "yes, but that was just pretend!".... then you have a brilliant mind management opportunity in addition to what sounds like a big learning and career opportunity, double win! The truth is that you are 110% allowed to believe this pretend narrative. You have just as much evidence that this is true (mostly because you were invited to present!!), as not. So why not practice getting out of your comfort zone and showing yourself that you can totally tolerate a bit os doubt in order to rack up the proof that you are a bad-ass.

If that is unreachable, then I ask you - so what if you feel fear? Is there anything wrong with staying with the fear AND going on the trip? Get in touch with the fear. What does it feel like? Is it physically stopping you from doing things like preparing for the presentation, packing, planning and going? Or can you do those things and also carry around the fear?


I can get really intimidated by certain academic projects which results in me putting them off and putting them off until it becomes more and more stressful. I can be really on top of things when I feel confident and can address them quickly and move on, but when it requires more thought and creativity, I end up thinking I can't do it because I don't have the ability. I also am constantly comparing myself to others and thinking I am inferior. I try to recognize this is a thought and not a circumstance, but my brain continuously asks, "well what if you really are inferior and this isn't just a thought?"

Circumstance: a project
Thought: I'll never be able to do this, I'm just not smart enough
Feeling: embarrassed
Action: Procrastinate, buffer with eating, playing on my phone
Result: Not doing the project.

LOL - gotta love your brain talking back to you... sigh.
Your model is spot on. Sounds like your inner critic (that negative self-talk center that likes to question your superiority) is on overdrive when it comes to academic projects which seem to be a trigger. Good to know. NOW... here is your work: keep noticing and REMINDING yourself that your brain talking to you in this way is simply not working. You can do this by continuing to jot down thought models that are relevant to each specific situation that you notice "embarrassed" or "intimidated" coming up for you.

I can tell that you think it's a circumstance that creates your feeling of confidence that allows you to "be really on top of things and address them quickly and move on" - but what is really interesting to me is the thought behind the F in that model. Can you find it?
Go to the last work task you felt this way and fill in the T blank here:

C: a project
T: ???? (dig it up and paste it in, this is a golden thought that you will want to practice on purpose!)
F: Confident
A: address the to-dos quickly, show up as "on top" of things, and move on to the next
R: you do the thing!

I also want to highlight this sneaky thought: "When it requires more thought and creativity, I end up thinking I can't do it because I don't have the ability."

Interesting that you created a self-narrative here around thought and creativity. What's up with that? Can you think of any examples that counter (or even destroy) that inner critic narrative? Have you ever done something that required thoughtfulness and creativity (in your clinical role, or otherwise... think home, relationships, parenting if applicable, your past, hobbies).

Could it be true that you are absolutely creative and thoughtful, but just being blocked by this T "I don't have the ability" that is a lie?

Bring your answers back here!

Fear of failure (okay and of crying)

My group is launching a huge campaign and part of my work will be to give a lecture (16 times) to leaders across our department which our chair asked to be in person. I expect cynicism and 'shooting' of the messenger. Trying not to be terrified and adopt a growth mindset and public speaking is always scary to me...have never done it in front of this group of people who feel far above me. I have developed and practiced the talk. I have tried to set up the audience with at least one friendly face. I am trying to hold onto the 'why' of why I am doing this. My fear is, because this is affecting my sleep, that I will just flub it up and/or do a deer in the headlights thing and/or cry (worst outcome). Thoughts on how to frame this one for myself?


Hi there - congrats on your campaign! I'm glad you brought all of your fear-inducing thoughts here, there are many!
T1: I expect cynicism and 'shooting' of the messenger.
T2: Public speaking is always scary to me.
T3: This group of people feel far above me
T4: If this affects my sleep, I'm more likely to flub it up

The good news is that *none* of these are objective truths! Phew! Your lower brain is likely offering them to you in a feeble attempt to protect you, but let's see if it's working:

C: You are planning on giving a lecture 16 times to leaders across your department
T: This will be met with cynicism and shooting of the messenger ("me")
F: Fear
A: Trying not to be terrified. Trying to hold onto the 'why'. Imagine ways that you might flub it up, do a deer in the headlights thing, and/or cry (which you make mean the worst outcome).
R: You are shooting yourself ahead of time

Now, let's be clear - you are also doing what sounds like a lot of good prep work here, which deserves celebration. I wonder, though, in all of your your "trying" (to embrace a growth mindset), are you hoping that the "tries" will make it so that you don't feel fear?

The model doesn't work that way. You can practice your face off, and fear will still be there. You can repeat growth oriented mantras and fear will still be there. You can remind yourself of your why.... and, yep, fear will still be there.... because you can't change an F with an A. Right?

So, first and foremost, are you sure that fear is a bad thing here?
In honor of feelings processing from last week, I would challenge you to get clear on what "fear" actually feels like in your body. Is it that bad, or is it something you can totally carry with you and do your ADLs (or even give a big presentation??)

If you are interested, and ready for a reframe digging into those 4 Ts (and any others hiding in there) are the spot to focus on now. I would just say this....
***Even if it's true, you don't have to think it. ***
So EVEN if you are going to be met with cynicism (which, of course, we can't know for sure, but let's go with it for argument's sake) - YOU DON'T HAVE TO FOCUS ON THIS, or even spend any time thinking about it.
I want to give you permission to simply focus on the audience members who are not cynics. You are allowed to simply present to them and completely forget about the others- because focusing on the cynics is NOT MAKING YOU OR YOUR TALK BETTER, right?

See if you can come up with any believable arguments for the other Ts, and bring it back! We've got you here.

Emotions piling up

I’ve noticed a pattern that after a long day I feel the need to numb out after work. It’s usually if the day has been particularly packed with difficult patient interactions and has included a lot of questions from staff. My question is, how do I process difficult emotions or thoughts throughout the day? If i somehow process things instead of pushing down the difficult emotions can I prevent feeling strung out? And then veg out in front of the TV.
C: interactions with people happen
T: a lot happened today
F: strung out
A: numb out
R: not take care of myself during time off

Beautiful model! This is a *perfect* place to start with our feelings work this week.

My questions for you:
-What is wrong (in your opinion) with feeling strung out?
-What does strung out actually (physically) feel like? Write down the precise sensations. Not your thoughts about it - just the actual sensation of "strung out"
-Why are you trying to get out of it?

Looking at your result here, it is clear that your action of trying to decrease your F (or avoid it... we call this "buffering") is not actually working for you. I bet you end up feeling discomfort in the end anyway, so why not do an experiment and decide to feel the "discomfort" of Strung Out instead of the discomfort of not taking care of yourself on the back end.

-Process "strung out" the next time you feel it. ALLOW it to be there, and get curious about why you think you need to get rid of it.

What's on the other side of feeling strung out?

Big opportunity blown.

Last week I had a much-anticipated (at least by me) meeting with national leaders about a project I was proposing. I bombed. I don't know what happened. I thought I was prepared but in the meeting, I froze up, I couldn't explain myself and babbled on needlessly about details that didn't matter. The key players seemed confused and disinterested. Fortunately, an ally on the project came to the rescue and turned the conversation around. We ultimately landed on a plan similar to what we had hoped for but I still feel terrible about it. I am perseverating on it constantly. I am worried I blew my chance to get influential people excited about the idea. I am hopeful the concept will continue on in some form but am fearful I will no longer be a part of it.

C - I had a meeting last week. I said things. Other people said things.
T - I sounded like a fool The people I was talking to think I am a fool. They won't want me to do the project I proposed. I missed a once-in-a-career opportunity and now my career goals will fall apart.
F - I feel embarrassed, frustrated, sad, defeated, and small.
A - I am reliving the conversation over and over again and kicking myself for what I said and didn't say. I am fearing the conversations I am not going to be a part of. I am dreading the outcome of the next conversation that I am going to be a part of.
R - I am miserable.

Great insight in your model here! I also want you drill down on one emotion (you have many thoughts about this C, and each one causes a slightly different F. Let's choose one for this sake:
C - I had a meeting last week. I said things. Other people said things.
T - I sounded like a fool and missed a once-in-a-career opportunity.
F - (??What's the feeling here?? defeated? Is it shame?)
A - Relive the conversation over and over again with a negativity bias against self. Kick myself for what I said and didn't say. Fear future conversations that I will be in or, worse, not be in. Dread future conversations.
R - Fail ahead of time, miserably

Ok- let's watch your brain (more specifically, your inner critic) do it's thing. Let's pretend we are watching a movie of your inner critic saying all of those mean Ts. Can you imagine what the inner critic looks like? What they sound like? Can you imagine their motive in the movie? What would the director be saying to this character to get them to be so mean?

Probably, their motive is something along the lines of desperately trying to protect you from looking like a fool. But as the audience in this movie, it's easy to see that the techniques this character is using are futile, and even counterproductive, right? Forcing you to feel and relive the emotion of foolish, is not helping you show up in a better (non-foolish) way here, in fact - quite the opposite. This character is just misinformed. Doesn't have the correct tools.
The inner critic (especially if it triggers shame) likely got it's techniques very early in our lives... maybe when we were small children and were just learning about how to "be" around other people. The techniques are immature and mean, just like little kids are. Your lower brain may have interpreted whatever facial expression you saw in this meeting as a threat, perhaps based on good data, but more likely based on flawed data that was laid down decades ago. And it did what it does best, causes you to feel small, retreat, and protect.

The problem is that instead of making you "better", those actions are disconnecting. They disconnect you from the people you presented to, the colleagues you presented with, and from the work it self. Can you see this?

If you wanted to connect to the work again, what would that look like? Let's try a "Reverse Model" where you put a different result in the end and work your way backwards:

R: Connect to the work, my colleagues and myself
A: ???? (what does leaning in look like here? What would you do and not do if it was all about the work, your calling, and not your ego here?)
F: ??? (what feeling would fuel these actions?)
T: ?? (what thought can you try out that cultivates this F?)
C: I had a meeting last week. I said things. Other people said things.

Trouble finding a *believable* T? Try these out and see how they land:

"I am so grateful that my team has different strengths, what a wonderful colleague that added so much to the presentation! I'm also so grateful to myself for contributing ____ to this project"
"Cool! We landed on a plan similar to what I hoped for"

If those don't hold a flame to your original T, then the work is in allowing your unintentional model. Might look something like:

"Oh, I am noticing that I'm thinking I sounded like a fool again. Hello inner critic! Thanks for trying to help."
"I sounded like a fool, and that's ok"
"I sounded like a fool for a lot of that meeting, but there were moments that I did not."


Thanks for the coaching. As I think about it more, I have a couple tendencies that I'm fighting giving me these feelings towards my inbox.

1. Compulsion/ perfectionistic tendency to feel I need to "get to zero" to earn the reward of relaxing and spending time with my family/ friends
2. Desire to please people, making me prioritize responding to my inbox messages over other things (and as I reward my patients and staff with my detailed responsiveness, they tend to use this modality even more)

You are exactly right;
C: I have Inbaskets, emails, charting, academic and admin work and my kids and hubby to balance on any given day.
T: If I don't respond to these inbaskets in a prompt and thoughtful way, people will be frustrated with me or think less of me as a doctor
F: shame, inadequacy, frustration
A: I spend a lot of time on inbaskets----> squeeze the time I have for other things-----> think negative thoughts about my time management skills, my people pleasing tendencies, my compulsions------> create a loop of negative feelings
R: Feelings of more shame, frustration that shuts me down and certainly doesn't help the situation

It is time I let the inbaskets go, they really have triggered too much emotion for me lately. Not healthy.
I need an automatic reply that I only respond to inbaskets once a week or something and then need to stick to that, only responding to them during my planned time.
Whew. Maybe an email auto-response as well as that is next in line for triggering me.


Yes, you are onto yourself! The funny thing about thought work, is that often once we work on changing the thoughts that are standing in our way, the action line becomes clear, easy, or an afterthought. So in this case, I would recommend digging in deeper here to the T line, rather than focusing on a specific A (like an auto-reply, or forcing yourself to only do your inbox once a week). You can absolutely do them in parallel, and you get to decide what boundaries feel healthiest for you, but I promise, doing the T work will make the A seem natural.

Digging into your thoughts brings us again to the idea that you need to "earn" the reward of relaxing and spending time with family and friends by whatever work metric you give yourself. But what if in reality, those two things are completely untethered?

Here is the trouble with attaching "deserving" with the idea of rest and relaxation.
When we approach it as "I deserve it!"---> we can become entitled (because I work hard, because I've done so much, because of whatever VERY REASONABLE SOUNDING REASON), but there is a flip side.
The flip-side of deciding that sometimes you are DESERVING of rest, is an unseen condition that sometimes you are UNDESERVING of rest (because you haven't gotten all your stuff done, because you think you were "too lazy" yesterday, or whatever reason your inner critic offers that you might NOT be deserving today).

Here's a secret - Not only does productivity not have any inherent "worth" until we apply it, but the act of rest itself does not have any inherent moral value until we make it so with sentences we run in our brain. Neither one makes you more or less valuable as a human.

What would it look like if rest weren't earned by good behavior or whatever accomplishments you had accumulated that day? What would you have permission to do if you didn't need to earn rest?

How could you move toward this intentional model?
R- You develop a practice of honoring yourself in mind and body
A- notice signals from your body, notice judgements you have about those signals, dialogue with yourself around those judgements from a place of curiosity, compassion, and LOVE. Rest when you need it, allow yourself to enjoy family, friends, entertainment and fun without guilt, allow your feelings.... what else????
F- ??? (what feeling would fuel these type of actions?)
T- (what thought do you believe in this moment that creates this feeling?)
C- You are a human being on planet earth. You have a family and a job.

Having trouble coming up with some Ts? Let me know if one of these lands, and then try it on purpose today when it comes time to leave work!

"I'm learning to listen to and honor my body and mind"
"I'm completely worthy no matter what I did or didn't do today."
"I can't control what anyone thinks of me..... except for myself."

Managing Patient Expectations

I had referred a patient of mine for bone marrow transplant and he was admitted last week for his transplant. I've been checking on his chart, but when they are admitted for transplant I'm not directly in charge or involved in any of the clinical care. His wife sent a message through the portal yesterday starting with "we haven't heard or seen you since he was admitted" and then asking me to call her. Of course this triggered lots of thoughts--> feelings (i.e. I should have gone to see them, but I've been busy (I have a grant due, revising a paper, giving a lecture etc etc, I have to set boundaries on my clinic time, other oncologists would have prioritized going to see him). I called her in the evening and she started the call by saying "why haven't we seen you" and I tried to just ignore it and get to what she wanted to talk about/her questions, but she was persistent so eventually I apologized for not coming to see him in the hospital and promised I would come see him next week. Which appeased her but I didn't feel great about it, because I'm not necessarily sorry- I've taken good care of him for a long time and I have put in lots of work for his care outside of clinic visits, and its not a fair expectation that I will always pay a social visit to the hospital, especially when I'm trying to make enough time for the research side of my job. This is also on top of a different patient complaining last week that I had "only seen him once" while he was in the hospital for four days. It is hard to manage patient expectations and then my own reactions to them and I'm not sure how I should handle it when patients say things like that.

Thank you for bringing this here - what a very relatable model. As clinicians, many of us want our patients to like us - which is NORMAL. As humans, we generally want others to like us, a desire that is programmed into our brains so that back in the day, we would be at less risk of social ostracization (ie death).
Let's see how this is playing out in a model for you.

C: Your patient is admitted for a BMTx and you are not involved in that type of inpatient care. Patient's wife says to you "why haven't I seen you" in the portal.
T: Maybe I should have seen him, oh no!
F: ??? what is the F here? (anxiety? fear? overwhelm? frustration?)
A: argue with yourself in your head (defend your decision over and over again with a long list of reasons that you didn't), compare yourself to imaginary habits of colleagues that you make up, eventually end up calling the patient's wife on your home time, initially ignore her concerns, and then ultimately end up apologize for something inauthentically.
R: you go into people pleasing mode and further blur your own boundaries.

Ok - looking at your circumstance here, it appears that there is an expectation mismatch. A misunderstanding, right? The patient's wife had a belief that you would continue to have a primary doctor role for him in the hospital, and the truth is that in this system you never were going to have a primary role in this situation.

No big deal, and when laid out this way - can you feel any understanding for her? She believed something that was not true and is thus disappointed. We have all felt this before.

The problem begins when you start to want her to feel better (so that YOU can feel better) and you go about trying to make her feel better, but then end up with you feeling worse.

Do you believe that patients should always feel good about the system and the outpatient doctor's involvement with bone marrow transplants?

Can you let her be disappointed?

(one step further) Can you empathize with her disappointment and NOT TRY TO CHANGE IT?

In fact - to me, it sounds like you are such an amazing doctor, that this patient's wife is doing her very best to advocate you in to their orbit as much as possible. You likely provide a huge sense of safety, security and hope for them, so who can blame her? But that does not obligate you to burn out by changing your job description here.

It may sound something like this "oh wow, I see. You thought I would be able to continue to play a big role in his transplant care in the hospital. That is confusing! I can see why you thought that, but in our system, I don't play any role at all. This is going to feel hard, and I get it." And then sit with her.
One could imagine this conversation happening before the transplant decision to try to set expectations before you need to manage them - but, my friend, the key is that the disappointment is going to be present NO MATTER WHAT, since your patients connect with you and will want the impossible - for you to be everything to them.

It's not your job to manage, change, or lessen their disappointment. It's your job to trust them to hold it while you protect your boundaries. One of the many costs of being a wonderful doctor, but this is what we are here to help with!

Where else does it come up for you that you would like to change how your patient's feel?
Take the second example you gave and see if you can fill in the model and come up with a different way to think about it that might feel better:
C: patient said last week that I had "only seen him once" while he was in the hospital for four days.

bad feeling about staff member

There is a new staff member to our team who thinks very highly of themselves. They think they are always right and do not seem to understand when they are given direction regarding a clinical situation. They question the instructions that I give them, and act disrespectfully. They seem to pounce on any chance to stir up drama. The person was chosen for the job because they were thought to be highly motivated to support our team over the other candidates and they have a long relationship with one of the other physicians. But, now, working with them, I have a bad feeling that they could turn people against me. I worry that their demeaning attitude towards me signals that they could drive a wedge between me and the rest of the team. I worry that this person will end up throwing me under the bus when I make a mistake (as I know I will...). I have communicated some of my worry to the other team members regarding specific clinical instances, but I can't express this feeling of dread that I have.

How can I interact with someone like this in a more effective way?

Should I express everything this person makes me feel with the rest of the team?

Oof - I can viscerally feel your dread here, and it's heavy! Let's look at the facts. See if you can flesh out some of these neutral Circumstances:
-Staff member exists
-Staff member is "new" to your team
-Staff member said "__________" when you gave specific instructions (what, exactly, was it?)
-Staff member was chosen for the job over other candidates
-Staff member has done ________ and said these words __________ (see if you can get really specific here about what you believe stirred up drama)

You have a lot of thoughts about how this staff member should be different. Some of your thoughts are:
-They are wrong, and they believe they are right.
-They are disrespectful
-They stir up drama
-I am at risk of being thrown under the bus
-They have a demeaning attitude towards me, and they should not.
-They will create a wedge between me and my team

These thoughts are causing dread, which sounds like is fueling you to go into defense mode: further judge this person, look for ways that things will go wrong, and spin in thoughts about how to prevent badness from happening. Let's choose one thought and run it through a model:

C: Staff member
T: They are disrespectful and demeaning, and could ruin my relationship with my colleagues
F: Dread
A: Defend yourself in your head, outloud to others, worry about potential to be thrown under the bus for various imaginary mistakes, imagine people turning against you.
R: You create an imaginary wedge ahead of time

The place to start is to lower your defenses. Defending yourself is a signal that you worry (even subconsciously) that there is something this person could be right about. Think about it, what if this staff member was going around telling people that you were so unprofessional for having hot pink paint all over your body (which you do not). You would not feel any worry that people would start believing this person, or that you were at risk for people starting to see your skin as pink, right? You have SOLID trust in your non-painted skin and, while you may worry about the staff person's mental or neurological status, you would not worry that people would start to turn against you since your skin is obviously not painted hot pink.

What is it that you believe this person is saying about you? Do you agree with it? If so, why? In not, why not? Do you trust yourself to have your own back if you make a mistake? Do you trust your colleagues to have your back if you make a mistake?

This is the place to dig in - your thoughts about YOU.

You can't control what others think about you, or what they think about this other person, and you will spin out trying to. What you can control is how you think of you, and how you think about others.

Bring some journaling around this back - it's important work.

Something gives every day

I didn’t send my kid in warm enough clothes for the weather. I was too focused on getting out the door. When I realized I had not sent her with a warm enough coat I thought I’m a distracted, bad mom. The daycare workers have mentioned that they “never see me”. It seems that every day, some part of life falls to the wayside. One day its the kids, another day it’s my diet another day it’s charting.

See if you can help me fill out this model:

C: You realize that you gave your kid a certain outfit for school (can you get more specific? What coat or sweater was it that you labeled not good enough?)
T: "Her coat isn't warm enough, so I'm a distracted, bad mom"
F: ??? (what's the emotion this thought makes you feel?
A: Start viewing your life with a negativity bias against YOURSELF: think about the other ways you are a bad mom, then expand to how you are bad at charting, or your planned diet.
R: You create and then focus on a part of life that falls to the wayside instead of all the things you do well

Ok my friend - this is straight up perfectionism, no?
I guarantee everyone reading this is nodding along going "yep, yep... impossible to get it all right. I know, sister!" But the thing we fail to remember is that we are setting this bar for life, and if you make it so that if you forget something, or don't eat perfectly, or stay up too late or whatever, that means your LIFE HAS FALLEN TO THE WAYSIDE???

The thing is, your brain looks for what you tell it to look for. Even if the thought "I'm a bad ____" is painful, your brain goes on a mission to confirm what it believes. It's like that experiment where you watch a basketball game and you have to count the number of baskets... and a gorilla or something walks through, but you totally miss it because you directed your brain to focus on the baskets too hard. (who here remembers this from high school psychology, lol??)

In this case - the gorilla is ALLLLL the obvious ways that your life, career, parenting, etc. is NOT falling to the wayside.

Your mission for tomorrow is this: See if you can create the result where you focus on how you are doing just great.
I want you to pretend you are a secret detective, and specifically LOOK for all of the amazing results you have created. Don't let anything slip by - ANYTHING.
(did you brush your teeth? Amazing. Say I love you to a kid? Phenomenal. Remember your patient's name? Very Doctorly of you). Once you are in the habit of noticing the mundane and habitual ways you rock, see if you can catch the unique ways. What is especially amazing about yourself that you are proud of?

One way to ensure that this happens is to give yourself a "praise" assignment: at the end of the day, write for 5 minutes straight about all of the things that you did that you are proud of. You can't stop, judge yourself while writing, or "pseudo-praise" yourself (no "I'm proud of my kid for ____" - it has to be YOU that created the thing). Think about what strengths you used to create those results, and how you leveraged them in a uniquely you way.

Bonus points if you are brave enough to type that pride journal entry in HERE - (remember no one knows who you are! They can't think you're cocky if they don't know it's you, right?) and then a coach can help you identify the thoughts to hang on to that are getting your amazing results. Bring it back!

Bogged down in messages, emails, admin and feeling overwhelmed & inadequate

The flow of work on email and EPIC is never ending and I am feeling frustrated and overwhelmed. I have agreed to add on some other projects to my work and find my time getting frittered away because patient messages and emails always seem urgent and thus rise to the top of my priority list making it hard to check other things off, even if I work on days off! Grrr. It is paralyzing sometimes and when I sit down to crank stuff out and then end up staying at work until 8pm, I get pissy and hate myself and my job and feel like a bad mom and wife and then still don't get the work work completed because the next day there is always another batch of emails or mychart messages and 15 more notes.
I am clearly not efficient enough and don't know how others do it!?

I really appreciate this thought download - and I bet it is collectively felt throughout this group. Let's put this in a model to start unpacking....

C: EPIC and email inbox exists
T: This is never ending, and I'm not efficient enough
F: frustrated/overwhelmed
A: Prioritize inbox messages above everything else, even on days off. Don't honor boundaries around work time and home time. Then beat yourself up about it, call yourself names and even start to hate self. Get pissy (where, work? home? car? all of the above?). Tell yourself a story that others are doing it better, and there is something about you that just can't.
R: You are paralyzed here. The T is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Ok. Deep..... collective.... breath. We all know this inbox angst, right?

Here is the thing - the inbox is neutral. Really truly, it's existence is 100% neutral. It's just sitting there, filling up, seeming to never be cleared. Your thoughts about it are what are paralyzing.

I want you to start with questioning a few things

1) Why do you believe that the inboxes should have an "end"? Why is it wrong that they are never ending? There are other aspect about our jobs that are unequivocally never ending (patients will always continue to get sick, and even die. Loads of laundry will never cease. Needing to feed kids if we have them won't ever be done... at least until they can do it themselves), and we don't have an argument in our head about them, right?
What if you stopped expecting the inbox to be clear? What if your "normal" threshold was 20 patient messages at all time, and that's just what is acceptable?

2) Is there anything that isn't terrible about the inboxes? Anything at all? Is there anything that could feel neutral for you (like feeling the keys under your fingers as you type?).

3) Why do you think you are being so mean to yourself about this predicament?

The act of inbox management or efficiency itself does not have any moral value until we apply it with the sentences we run in our brain.

What would happen if we untethered or worth from our productivity?

Bring your answers back!

Change in career path

I’m really struggling w whether or not to move on to a new job opportunity. How do I make this hard decision?!

Thanks for bringing this here.
The way to make any decision is simply to do it. Decide one way, and then have your own back about that decision NO MATTER WHAT (which doesn't necessarily mean you don't experience regret or even potentially change your mind, it just means you open yourself to those experiences as part of the human experience and don't beat yourself up over it).

What are you most afraid of in this decision?

Bring it back.


I was on a work meeting with someone who I’ve had multiple interactions with and I shared some personal struggles. They then said “I’ve heard you mention that several times” and I got embarrassed thinking that this person sees me as a hot mess and that now I’ll never have their respect. I want to hide anything personal from that person ever again and always seem in control and professional though I’m not sure if that authentic. I want to show as myself but I’m embarrassed to show up as myself now. I’m not sure where to go from here.

Oooo great thought download to bring here, thank you. I can viscerally feel your embarrassment, myself - sending you love. Let's put it in a model to start untangling:

C: colleague says "I've heard you mention that several times" about a personal struggle you shared
T: This person sees me as a hot mess and I'll never have their respect
F: embarrassed
A: HIDE-mode. Consider never sharing authentically again. Try to adjust how you come off to this other person to control their opinion of you.
R: your brain is a hot mess, and you don't respect yourself

Ouch! Ok. Deep breath.

I bet this T feels really true to you, but I wonder - do you have *any* objective proof of this? All we have is evidence that the person has heard your story a few times, yes? We don't know AT ALL what they really think of it or you... because... here's the thing, we NEVER GET TO. We actually never get access to the real truth about what people think about us. And therefore, we can not ever control how they feel about us.

Our medical brains like to tell us that we can since we spent so much time in training attempting to get a high grade, a stellar LoR, or match into a program that we put a lot of stake in. We played the game, micro-managed our personalities and told ourselves a story that we could control what others think of us.

But the sad truth is that we can't. And it's exhausting trying to. If we could, our patients would all think the exact same thing about us. And so would an entire audience of people when we gave a bit talk... we show up the same way, yet everyone has a slightly different opinion, right? That's because their thoughts control how they view you, not the "you" in their C line. The only thing you can do here is give them the chance to SEE YOU IN THE BEST WAY THAT YOU CAN SHOW UP and then let go.

So - a fun realization happens when it sinks in that you never get to know what others really think about you, because then you can go about the experiment of figuring out how you want to THINK about what they think of you. Meta, I know, but stay with me.
When do you show up as your best self? Is it when you feel embarrassed and hide? Or is it when you are assuming that the people you are with really like you?
If it's the latter - I'm going to just give you permission to pretend that this person for sure really likes you. A lot. What's the worst that could happen if you go into your next interaction believing this?

Finally- I'll leave you with this:
You know who's opinion of you you can control??? Yours. Which is great news because you are with yourself 100% of the time. For many years to come (hopefully!). So why not put energy in here.
-What is great about this person hearing your story several times? What are you glad for in there?
-How do you feel connected to other people? How can you show up in this way for them?
-How does sharing a personal story make you feel in the moment?

PARENTING Sharing responsibility

My kids are both in College now but there has been a pattern since they were younger that they always approach me with all parenting questions first. They EVEN would call me at work during a busy clinic to ask me where something was or what was for dinner. This would happen even when my husband was working from home. This pattern has continued. Recently, I have had to handle all the correspondence with a future landlord for one of my sons. When I asked my husband to take over he said he would. However, I had to spend as much time catching him up with the landlord, other roommates, their parents, the lease etc. It would have taken me less time just to do it myself. I was very frustrated and didn't finish up work I needed to prepare for the next day.

Hello first poster! Welcome to ask-for-coaching, so happy to have you!
I love this thought download, especially since I have similar thoughts in my own house. But... let me get out of the pool and coach you on this 🙂

Let's see what one of this might look like in a model:

C: Your son asked you to correspond with a future landlord (is that fair to say?)
T: "Here is the pattern where they approach me first!"
F: Frustrated
A: reminisce on places the pattern existed in the past, look for places that it still happens. Not direct your brain to places where it is not happening. Note how much time you have to take even when you attempt to delegate to your husband. Continue to prioritize your son's needs over your personal work and care, and then get frustrated over it.
R: you participate in (and co-create) this pattern

Ok, I could coach you on the T here, since this is a thought. If you wanted to spend time looking for areas where this thought is not true, I bet you would find them. But for arguments' sake, let's say it IS true. Let's even just move your T into the C line for a moment.... what now?

Do you want to continue to participate in this pattern?
Based on your A line, it would appear that you do.
Why not just stop? What do you think would happen?

What/where are you taking responsibility for here that you could gently hand back?

Bring your answers back!


Welcome to Ask for Coaching! We are so glad you're here. Here is a guide to use this function on our website.

1) Label your question with a memorable title. You can tag it with the date or a symbol unique to you if you'd like such as @3@. That way you can search for your posts if you want to find them later.

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